A Tree Full of Memories

"When tears are in your eyes
It's time to look inside
Your heart can find another way

Believe in what I say
Don't throw this time away
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day

Christmas Day...

So let the shadows go
And drift away like snow
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day

Christmas Day...

So dream until the night
Becomes the morning light
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day"

~Enya, "The Spirit Of Christmas Past"

Every time I open the box marked "Christmas ornaments", I take a deep breath, and brace myself.

Just a little.

Hoping they will still be intact, just as I remember them, just as special, like time has not altered them one bit after spending 11 months in the attic.

Hoping that they will all be there, with not one missing...that I will remember the significance of each piece, and that the memories each one holds will still feel just as fresh as they did the first day on that tree.

But mostly, I brace myself for the pangs of love I feel when I look at the photos. Younger versions of the children I adore so much. I miss those kids. I miss them dearly.

I ache to hold them, hear their voices, brush the fine hair from their foreheads, smell their skin, and just have a nice cuddle and chat.

And yet...I can never have them back.
It's just the way it is. Just the way it is for every mother in the world, but somehow I want to break the rules and travel back in time to be with my babies.

But alas...I can't. Their little faces hang on the tree now, preserved in glitter, popsicle sticks, glue, and tempera paint.

And that's what I brace myself for.

I teared up as I looked at them. I always do. J and K just rolled their eyes. Patted me on the back a little. One of them said "I knew she was gonna do that".

If only they knew.

Anyway...
Jordan and Katie love to trim the tree. They especially like finding "their" ornaments, and will rummage through the box until each one has a pile of their own to hang.

Despite being ages 10 and 12, their tree trimming skills could use a little work. They hang them in clusters. All bunched up in sections. They leave wide open, huge gaps of evergreen. My sense of symmetry, my need for it, is offended.

But I let them at it. Sat on the couch with Jamie, listened to the Christmas music, and we watched them dig, rummage, unwrap, sort, and hang each one.

In clusters.

And after her Daddy lifted Katie up to put the angel on top, as he does every year...

the tree was perfect.









Jordan loooves eggnog. I guess he gets this from his father. (Katie and I...not so much)






I miss this face...






Daddy's little girl...



My boy's Kindergarten face...(thank you, Mrs. Riddle...for the two following ornaments, I could not live without)



and again, for my girl: (needs some glitter TLC stat)



Our first year with Jordan:



And with Katie (I remember being excited it had some pink, that this felt so "girly")



Not sure which kid this was for...(this admission brought horror to my children's faces)



We gave this to Jordan when he played The Nutcracker in his 4th grade school play...the overwhelming pride I felt for him on that night comes rushing back when I look at this...


Thank God I dated some of these...



My three favorite Santas watched on...




My mischievious elf (her face says it all):


And this one from Jamie's parents, after one of their trips...I miss "Nana" and "Papa" during this time of year. They would have been so proud of the people my kids are becoming. And Jordan and Katie would be better people for knowing them. When Barb gave it to us, it seemed insignificant...just another ornament for the tree(Jamie's Mom always loved giving ornaments). Now, it's one of the most precious one hanging...right in front.


So...the tree has been trimmed.

Not one ornament matches.

They are chipped, dented, bent, and a little worn for the wear.

And asymmetrical.

But they are memories. Precious ones.

And I wouldn't have the tree any other way.

My heart is full.

Merry Christmas...