Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Tree Full of Memories

"When tears are in your eyes
It's time to look inside
Your heart can find another way

Believe in what I say
Don't throw this time away
Tomorrow will be
Christmas Day

Christmas Day...

So let the shadows go
And drift away like snow
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day

Christmas Day...

So dream until the night
Becomes the morning light

Tomorrow will be Christmas Day
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day"


~Enya, "The Spirit Of Christmas Past"

Every time I open the box marked "Christmas ornaments", I take a deep breath, and brace myself.

Just a little.

Hoping they will still be intact, just as I remember them, just as special, like time has not altered them one bit after spending 11 months in the attic.

Hoping that they will all be there, with not one missing...that I will remember the significance of each piece, and that the memories each one holds will still feel just as fresh as they did the first day on that tree.

But mostly, I brace myself for the pangs of love I feel when I look at the photos. Younger versions of the children I adore so much. I miss those kids. I miss them dearly.

I ache to hold them, hear their voices, brush the fine hair from their foreheads, smell their skin, and just have a nice cuddle and chat.

And yet...I can never have them back.
It's just the way it is. Just the way it is for every mother in the world, but somehow I want to break the rules and travel back in time to be with my babies.

But alas...I can't. Their little faces hang on the tree now, preserved in glitter, popsicle sticks, glue, and tempera paint.

And that's what I brace myself for.

I teared up as I looked at them. I always do. J and K just rolled their eyes. Patted me on the back a little. One of them said "I knew she was gonna do that".

If only they knew.

Anyway...
Jordan and Katie love to trim the tree. They especially like finding "their" ornaments, and will rummage through the box until each one has a pile of their own to hang.

Despite being ages 10 and 12, their tree trimming skills could use a little work. They hang them in clusters. All bunched up in sections. They leave wide open, huge gaps of evergreen. My sense of symmetry, my need for it, is offended.

But I let them at it. Sat on the couch with Jamie, listened to the Christmas music, and we watched them dig, rummage, unwrap, sort, and hang each one.

In clusters.

And after her Daddy lifted Katie up to put the angel on top, as he does every year...

the tree was perfect.

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Jordan loooves eggnog. I guess he gets this from his father. (Katie and I...not so much)
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I miss this face...
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Daddy's little girl...
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My boy's Kindergarten face...(thank you, Mrs. Riddle...for the two following ornaments, I could not live without)

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and again, for my girl: (needs some glitter TLC stat)
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Our first year with Jordan:
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And with Katie (I remember being excited it had some pink, that this felt so "girly")
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Not sure which kid this was for...(this admission brought horror to my children's faces)
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We gave this to Jordan when he played The Nutcracker in his 4th grade school play...the overwhelming pride I felt for him on that night comes rushing back when I look at this...
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Thank God I dated some of these...
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My three favorite Santas watched on...
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My mischievious elf (her face says it all):
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And this one from Jamie's parents, after one of their trips...I miss "Nana" and "Papa" during this time of year. They would have been so proud of the people my kids are becoming. And Jordan and Katie would be better people for knowing them. When Barb gave it to us, it seemed insignificant...just another ornament for the tree(Jamie's Mom always loved giving ornaments). Now, it's one of the most precious one hanging...right in front.
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So...the tree has been trimmed.

Not one ornament matches.

They are chipped, dented, bent, and a little worn for the wear.

And asymmetrical.

But they are memories. Precious ones.

And I wouldn't have the tree any other way.

My heart is full.

Merry Christmas...
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9 comments:

Heidi said...

ha. i'm first:)
holy beautiful post jenn. i am sitting here. it's very late and i am about to go to bed. i decided to just check...just for the chance a new post would be here-it was!!!

along with it, christmas music that would cause scrooge to tear up. your words punched me in the heart. aching for your little jordan and katie-that hurts.

your tree is beautiful. perfect with all it's memories.

love you.

Krista said...

the BEST kind of tree!!

Kelly Hutcheson said...

I've never been into ornaments, but just this year there are some really special ones going up on our tree and I'm finding they're growing by leaps and bounds! Starting to date things for my future self. After this post, even more!! Love you 4 so much! those Kinder pictures are unreal!! Who are those kids? OMG!

DGMommy said...

Ok, ya did it. . .you got tears. Are you happy??? The music, the pictures, your words. . . very overwhelming, in a good way:) I miss those babies too. My babies are still little. We are beginning to collect the ornamants that too take center stage. This year Douglas made a reindeer at school, that is now hanging on his classroom tree. He is so excited about it, ran down the school hallway, took me by the hand and showed it to me. He wanted me to ask the teacher if he could take it home now! I think it will be favorite for years to come. On a side note, while I was sitting here typing this comment, Grace comes to me for some solace after being oh so wronged by her brother:) She sat on my lap, playing/inspecting my necklace and the song "You're Gonna Miss This" came on. . . .more tears. I can't imagine when they are big. . .I will miss this . . . SO MUCH!!!!

Love you!!!

Kelle said...

okay, first i had to laugh because you said the ornament box is in the attic for 11 months and, girl...you know you don't take your tree down 'til july, so that puts them there for, what? 4 months? your ornaments have to be in better shape than anybody's.
and, second...love this post and the love you have for your kids and the way that you appreciate every little christmasy treasure. and thirdly...that ornament of katie as an elf made me laugh out loud.

Mary said...

Oh, Jen, this post was so special. I could feel every minute of the trim the tree event.
When I look at the ornaments that have you girls faces on them, my heart misses all that so much. It never ever ends.
Mom

Grandpa said...

Jennifer . . . I felt the warmth in your home as I read your Blog.

Jordan & Katie are are such good kids and have brought you and Jamie many favorite memories.

Take it from your Mom and Dad . . . when you love and enjoy your children as much as we have . . . seeing them grow up is exciting and rewarding . . . but remembering the happy times of the past . . . can also bring a sense of sadness.

Love Ya!
Dad and Grandpa

Carin said...

this made me cry...I FEEL YOU, JEN!!

and can I say I just LOVED..."my sense of symmetry, my need for it, is offended..."

loved this!!
love you!!

Heidi said...

I LOVE THE NEW HEADER & your dad's comment-he is amazing!!!! beautiful.